DISCLAIMER- All of these conditions are very serious and we do not want to offend anyone. We realize that most of these things can be very life threatening and we do NOT take that lightly. We have both been personally affected by most of these illnesses whether it is family members or friends, but we believe that humor is our only way to get through sad or tragic times.
How many illnesses do you have? A lot? ‘Cause we do.
Mon and I have a tendency to over exaggerate our pings and pangs in our body. On occasion, and by that I mean its an every day event… Mon says to me “If I die, its because XYZ”. It could be anything from a heart attack to carpel tunnel syndrome. We believe this is a good system just incase one of us does happen to die; we know what to tell the doctors to look for. Just saying, get yourself a death buddy.
Where do we even start?
Stroke eye? Have you experienced this?! It’s when you wake up with a headache/sinus infection/hangover or even a migraine and your one eye, or sometimes, in our case, both, are stroked out. (Stroked out eye- hanging significantly lower than the other, possibly twitching). There is no cure, only time will heal. We have also considered stroke mouth...this is when you attempt to say something and it comes out a jumbled mess...kinda like that reporter that was on live tv.
Ovaries, anyone else? The death that may occur right before that time of month when you are hunched over in excruciating pain. They are out to get us. Literally pulsing, attempting the great escape through your vag. No good. Could be a tumor, you don’t know. Maybe it’s an alien baby with elongated talons ripping apart your precious uterus. Could be. It’s a logical thought.
Tumors? We’ve had a few. Where? The real questions is where have they not been?! We have had everything from brain tumors, to toe cancer, legit. Do you remember Kindergarten Cop? Well, we took it seriously.
Phantom baby kicks? Oh yeah, they are real, and they happen to us. We’d just be sitting there on the couch minding our own damn business when BAM! Our belly has just been Liam Neason throat chopped from the inside via phantom baby. Not painful, ordinary.
Pneumonia other wise known as (P) namonia? Whenever someone coughs we go right to (P) namonia. We are those girls that would wear surgical facemasks like they do in foreign countries. Because we all know (P) namonia is instant death.
Palsys, of all shapes and sizes? Definition- when a body part, could be any one of them or a combination of some, go into floppy mode. Uncontrollable spasms that happen OUT OF NO WHERE, usually at inappropriate times…i.e.…(We are going to put this on like a play) and ACTION:
Laur- Jesus Mon! (As her Rum and Coke flies off the high top table at the Brew Pub, causing a scene).
Mon- Shit, my bad, it’s my Palsy.
END SCENE.
What are your faux illnesses? The common Mt. Everest pimple or how about the never ending broken pinky toe?
Disclaimer Dos- We know we aren’t actually dying, in fact we are pretty healthy people. That being said…if one of us does get struck down tomorrow, it’s because of this blog…tell the doctors.
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