Taking time off...

To enjoy my son's FIRST birthday and Easter!

So, hope everyone has a fabulous Easter! 

Get up the street...

Do you do these things?  ‘Cause we sure as hell do NOT.

Reevaluate yourself people and get your shit together.  These things listed below just outright annoy the hell out of us…

Are you mean to children?-  are you serious?  Being mean to a child because your expectations are too high is inappropriate.  For example… yelling at a child that has wet their pants because there isn’t a bathroom around…WRONG.  When kids need to go pee, they need to go pee NOW.  Just take a deep breath and deal with it.  Reassure the child that its ok and accidents happen.  And keep a smile on your face.  Just do it. 

Or, has kids just because it’s the social norm?  No, friends.  Children are a gift, not a purse.  You do actually have to take into account that they do have needs and hiring a baby sitter so you can sleep in every weekend is highly unacceptable.  Get up with your children in the morning and go to the park, cook breakfast together, paint, I don’t know, ANYTHING.  Hiring someone to do the parenting for you is just outrageous.  Don’t have kids just because its “what you should do” or “what is expected” have them because they are wonderful. 

Pay for a newspaper with a $100 dollar bill?-  nope.  Like, what are you trying to prove?  That you have a large amount of money that you are carrying around in your pocket? Good idea.  Because that person behind you at Wawa now knows that you carry that money on you.  And now your ass is getting robbed.  Also, have you ever taken notice to the cashiers face when a person pays with a $100?  Pay attention next time as to how slow they count out the change.  You want to hold people up?  You got it.  The newspaper is $1.50 guy.  Don’t you have 6 quarters?  And ok, we get it.  Maybe you want change, but there are such things as banks.  They will do it for you and the customer behind you wont sigh, roll their eyes or even make comment.  And get this; it won’t piss off the teller.  Are you that person that enjoys annoying the hell out of someone that works at a convenience store?  Don’t do it anymore and we won’t talk about you.  Just sayin’. 

Single girls that flirt with your man when you are CLEARLY standing right there-  OKAY ladies.  We get it, you’re desperate.  But we aren’t.  We have men who are very interested in us.  Back the hell up off him or see this ring (you cant see it, but you can imagine), you will have a permanent imprint under your pretty little eye.  If you see us standing there with him, use caution as you approach because our initial reaction is to demoralize you in any way, shape or form.  We’ve done it, and we will do it again.  Also, ladies who think its ok to hook up with married men.  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?  No, that’s not ok, especially if he is your best friends husband.  Just because he talks to you doesn’t mean he wants to see your dirty snatch.  He married me for a reason, not you.  Oh, and please don’t lie to her face.  Because Karma really is a bitch isn’t it? 

Invade your bubble-  get out of my space right now.  We’ve all had this happen to us.  Not cool.  If we can smell you, TOO CLOSE.  And at the bar….whoa.  We know you are drunk and like to hug it out and/or high five, but please only do this if we give the ok.  And the “ok” being eye contact or a smile.  Otherwise, court case.  What about those creepers in line that stand right up on your ass because they are in a hurry?  Standing that close to me does not make the line move faster, I promise.  I can smell your halitosis, and it does make me gag.  How about driving so close you can't see the headlights anymore?  I’m gonna come to an abrupt stop, then sue your ass when you crash into me because “owwww, my neck hurts”.  Now look…I have a pretty new car and installed some hardwood floors and you have 5 points on your license, insurance premiums that are through the roof and a busted up car that you cant fix.  Should have backed off when I gave the brake tap warning the first time, huh? Thanks for being that asshole.  J 

What are your pet peeves?    Leave a comment because we might just have something to say about it…and it could be funny.

Our ovaries are rebelling...

DISCLAIMER-  All of these conditions are very serious and we do not want to offend anyone.  We realize that most of these things can be very life threatening and we do NOT take that lightly.  We have both been personally affected by most of these illnesses whether it is family members or friends, but we believe that humor is our only way to get through sad or tragic times.

How many illnesses do you have?  A lot?  ‘Cause we do.

Mon and I have a tendency to over exaggerate our pings and pangs in our body.  On occasion, and by that I mean its an every day event… Mon says to me “If I die, its because XYZ”.  It could be anything from a heart attack to carpel tunnel syndrome.  We believe this is a good system just incase one of us does happen to die; we know what to tell the doctors to look for.  Just saying, get yourself a death buddy. 

Where do we even start? 

Stroke eye?  Have you experienced this?!  It’s when you wake up with a headache/sinus infection/hangover or even a migraine and your one eye, or sometimes, in our case, both, are stroked out.  (Stroked out eye- hanging significantly lower than the other, possibly twitching).   There is no cure, only time will heal.  We have also considered stroke mouth...this is when you attempt to say something and it comes out a jumbled mess...kinda like that reporter that was on live tv.

Ovaries, anyone else?  The death that may occur right before that time of month when you are hunched over in excruciating pain.  They are out to get us.  Literally pulsing, attempting the great escape through your vag.  No good.  Could be a tumor, you don’t know.  Maybe it’s an alien baby with elongated talons ripping apart your precious uterus.  Could be.  It’s a logical thought.

Tumors?  We’ve had a few.  Where?  The real questions is where have they not been?!  We have had everything from brain tumors, to toe cancer, legit.  Do you remember Kindergarten Cop?  Well, we took it seriously. 

Phantom baby kicks?  Oh yeah, they are real, and they happen to us.  We’d just be sitting there on the couch minding our own damn business when BAM!  Our belly has just been Liam Neason throat chopped from the inside via phantom baby.  Not painful, ordinary. 

Pneumonia other wise known as (P) namonia?  Whenever someone coughs we go right to (P) namonia.  We are those girls that would wear surgical facemasks like they do in foreign countries.  Because we all know (P) namonia is instant death. 

Palsys, of all shapes and sizes?  Definition-  when a body part, could be any one of them or a combination of some, go into floppy mode.  Uncontrollable spasms that happen OUT OF NO WHERE, usually at inappropriate times…i.e.…(We are going to put this on like a play) and ACTION:

Laur-  Jesus Mon!  (As her Rum and Coke flies off the high top table at the Brew Pub, causing a scene). 

Mon-  Shit, my bad, it’s my Palsy. 

END SCENE.

What are your faux illnesses?  The common Mt. Everest pimple or how about the never ending broken pinky toe?

Disclaimer Dos- We know we aren’t actually dying, in fact we are pretty healthy people.  That being said…if one of us does get struck down tomorrow, it’s because of this blog…tell the doctors. 

Butter Face...

Do you give people names?? ‘Cause we do!!

Have you ever been out somewhere and seen someone that just screams for a descriptive name? Well, no matter where we go we see these people. They can range from “Blonde Chick” or  “Mohawk Guy” to “ Sweaty Skank” or “Ginger McSmells-A-Lot.” We like to have fun with it. Now, don’t think we’re just total bitches and give all negative names. They aren’t! Okay, a lot are, but there's a fair share of “Little miss thinks she’s hot” and  “Captain I’d do him”.

 We base our names mainly on first impression appearances, but sometimes it’s something this person is doing, how much we do or do not like them, or just all around aura. We’ve all seen that guy that screams “serial killer” (Senor Kill You In Your Sleep) or the chick radiating “I enjoy having frequent and unprotected sex with strange men that I’ve just met” (aka “Molly McDaddy-Issues!”)

As I’m sure you can tell, they are often quite obvious, literal interpretations of our observations. Some, however, are in depth descriptions or inside stories between Laur and I that no one would understand because, hell, half the time we cant even remember how it came to be!! For example we are having a difficult time remembering them now because they have become such a frequent part of our vocabulary that they are standard.  Hmm..."Irish Vin Diesel" (Thats a positive one, trust us), "Beach Ball", and "Chin" amongst many, many others.

People-watching is one of the most fun and entertaining activities there is, and adding these names can be a useful technique when you have reoccurring sightings (a neighbor that has no problem discussing their very private, embarrassing, and downright outrageous business on their front deck for anyone to hear...)  For example, “Hey, Laur, you’ll never guess what Crackhead McGee over there was just yelling about!!” or “Little Oprah just ate face off the step outside”.  When these names are used we get the visual cue, there is no confusion.

So give it a shot folks! It’s a great way to pass time, differentiate your crazy ass neighbors or passers by in your life, or just sneakily tell your friends about the creeper at five o'clock the bar!! If you’re already a connoisseur o’ the fine game of people labeling, what are some of the names you’ve come up with??

To start....

Hi!  I'm Lauren!
And I'm Monica!


And together we are breeze.


Currently our families live with each other and we recently decided that we needed to start a blog and share our lives with...well..pretty much everyone. 


We met at work about 5 years ago.  We were co-teachers in a classroom.  Monica is still a teacher and I am currently a stay at home mom/full time student.  We both have children and significant others.  I have a wonderful, funny husband and Monica is currently dating his best friend which is my best guy friend.  We are one big happy family here :)


So, Laurica, as we will refer to ourselves, comes up with elaborate stories that may or may not be true.  We have always said that someone needs to hear us.  Somethings you read may be bizarre and make no sense whatsoever, and other things will be real and have real meaning.  Feel free to comment on anything.  We love input.  We aren't sensitive.  We have balls'o'steel.  Laurica-Laurica will be updated every day with our latest shenanigans/stories/ramblings.  Get excited.  This is going to be great...